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Paradise in Our Homes
Episode 15
The principle of
Appreciation and Respect
In the name of
Allah,
the All-Merciful, the Ever-Merciful. All Prayers and Blessings of Allah be
upon Prophet Muhammad (SAWS).
It is crucial
to remember that the month of Ramadan is similar to a bank, in which you keep a
credit of good deeds in order to benefit from it over the course of the year.
In the
previous episode, we discussed the best methods to guide one’s children, and we
agreed that the wrong methods used by some parents, such as threatening, mockery
and comparison are fruitless. Thus, we proceed this time with a relevant
issue: the principle of appreciation and respect, from which the Prophet
(SAWS)
deduced techniques to guide children and the youth. We can sum up these
techniques in the following points:
1. The
first technique is: "Do it yourself"
It is common
knowledge that the youth at the age of 14, 15 and 16 tend to explore their
surroundings in order to prove to themselves that they became grown ups.
However, parents form an obstacle in their way as they hinder this exploration.
Therefore, I advise parents to allow their teenagers to experience different
things as long as the consequences and the risks involved are within reason.
One example
from Sunnah (the Prophet’s tradition) is found in the Battle of Taif,
during which the Prophet (SAWS) and a group of youth remained under siege
for more than two weeks. When the people of Taif showered the Muslims with
arrows, the Prophet (SAWS) was inclined to leave but the youth did not
want to leave without gaining victory. Therefore, the Prophet (SAWS)
gave them the choice to fight the people of Taif. Rather than using his
authority to order them to leave, he gave them the opportunity to go through the
experience themselves. However, after they faced the people of Taif, many
of them got wounded, and they realized that the Prophet (SAWS) was right
in his decision to leave. This shows how the Prophet (SAWS) used
the principle of appreciation and respect with the youth.
2. The second technique is: Fixing the
damage as a means of subtle reproach
If your child
breaks something at home and you work on fixing the damage, your child will feel
regret despite the fact that you did not utter a word.
A
similar example is found in Sunnah. A group of youth narrated that,
as they were sitting in the mosque, the Prophet (SAWS) entered and stood
to face the qiblah
but he found the trace of sputum there. The Prophet (SAWS) went on
searching for a stick in order to remove such dirt without uttering a word.
Then, he brought the stick and buried the dirt in the dust. Afterwards, he asked
them to bring perfume to purify the place, and he kept purifying the place till
he was pleased. The Prophet (SAWS) then faced them and asked them
whether any one of them wanted to be afflicted by Allah's wrath. When they
all denied that, he explained that whenever they perform their prayers in the
direction of qiblah, they stand before Allah
(SWT),
and thus, they should never do something that makes Him reject them.
3.
The third technique
is: Guidance through participation.
This method is meant to create a space for mutual
understanding between parents and their children. For example, it was
narrated that Amr Ibn-Shuried was fond of memorizing poetry to the extent that
he said about him self, "I was mad about memorizing poetry until it distracted
my mind."
He narrated that, one day he met the Prophet
(SAWS) who asked him to ride on the back of his camel.
Thereupon, the Prophet asked Amr whether he memorized any of Ummaiyah
Ibn-Abu-As-Salt’s poetry, and Amr affirmed it. Then, the Prophet asked him
to say a line. He repeated it thrice until Amr rehearsed about 100 lines
of Ummaiyah’s poetry. In fact, The Prophet (SAWS) deliberately
chose this poet because he was known for his modest poetry. Eventually,
the Prophet praised that wonderful poetry while wishing if
only Ummaiyah were a Muslim, and he recited from the Qur’an what can be
translated as, "And the poets, the
misguided closely follow them; Have you not seen that they wander in every
valley, And that they say what they do not perform?" (TMQ,
26: 224,225,226). In this way, the
Prophet (SAWS) guided Amr to memorizing only decent poetry.
4.
The fourth technique
is: Guidance through investing in one’s Talent:
The purpose of this technique is to guide the youth
in making good use of their energy and enthusiasm. Parents should give
their teenagers an opportunity to prove to themselves that they are positive
individuals in the community.
This is best illustrated by the Prophet (SAWS)
on the day of Conquest of Makkah. He ordered Bilal to perform the adhan
(the call to prayer) off the roof of Ka’ba. However, when the
sixteen-year-old Abu-Mahthourah made fun of Bilal, the Prophet (SAWS)
ordered him to attend. He was shaking with fear but, to his surprise, the
Prophet (SAWS) decided to invest in his beautiful voice. He
(SAWS)
taught him how to make the call to the prayer and delegated this task to him in
Makkah.
5. The fifth technique: Guidance through
Encouraging and Appreciating
Suppose that a child tries to help his mother in
housework and he breaks some dishes while washing them. Wisdom mandates
that the mother looks at the positive intention of the child and encourages him
to do better the next time.
This is the technique the Prophet (SAWS)
used when a young man entered the mosque in the course of the prayer and hurried
to join the people making a mess of the lines. After the prayer was over,
the Prophet (SAWS) praised the young man for his enthusiasm to observe
the prayer but he warned him against doing this mess again. In this sense,
the Prophet’s action communicated the meaning of encouragement and appreciation.
6. The sixth and the last technique is:
Guidance through dialectic (reasoning through
discussion):
The Prophet (SAWS) used this technique
with the youth. He learned it from his grandfather Ibrahim
(AS)
(Abraham) as Allah (SWT) mentions, in the Qur’an, what can be translated
as, " he (Ibrahim) said, “O my son,
surely I see in a dream (Literally: time of sleeping) that I should slay you;
so, look, what do you see?” He said, “O my (dear) father, perform whatever you
are commanded; you will soon find me, in case Allah (so) decides, among the
patient.” (TMQ,
37:102). These verses illustrate
that a discussion took place between the father and the son concerning this
grave matter.
Similarly, when a young man asked the Prophet to
allow him to commit zina (illicit intercourse)
and all the companions got furious and wanted to kill him, the Prophet
(SAWS) used the dialectic technique instead. He asked him if he would
approve the practice of zina
by any of his female relatives. The young man rejected this idea
and accepted the Prophet’s prohibition of this act. Hence, the Prophet
(SAWS)
managed to prevent an abominable act through applying the dialectic technique,
and he set an example for us to do the same with the youth.
In brief, we need to follow
in the footsteps of the Prophet (SAWS) in guiding the youth through these
techniques. In fact, there are several techniques that can be applied in
this regard, and they are all derived from the principle of appreciation and
respect. This was the Prophet’s path and this is our only path to reach
respect and appreciation within the family.
TMQ=Translation
of the Meaning of the Qur'an. This translation is for the realized
meaning, so far, of the stated (Surah:Ayah) of the Qur'an. Reading
the translated meaning of the Qur'an can never replace reading it in
Arabic, the language in which it was revealed.
Alayhe
as-Salam [All Peace of Allah
be upon him].
TMQ=Translation
of the Meaning of the Qur'an. This translation is for the realized
meaning, so far, of the stated (Surah:Ayah) of the Qur'an. Reading
the translated meaning of the Qur'an can never replace reading it in
Arabic, the language in which it was revealed.
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